Learning to Trust

When it feels like you’re spinning your wheels

They say work hard and things will come. They also say relax and let things flow to you. I’ve being doing both. I’ve been working hard and allowing myself to rest.

I’ve always been a hard worker. I fell trapped to the matrix from a young age living in poverty. I started working at 14 and continued to work up until I was wrongfully let go. That’s another story for another time when I’m not in the midst of complaints and processes. But I will say when this company did what they did to me after treating me like family, I really started to see things differently. I started to see how disposable I was to people I worked with. Work doesn’t equal community. Even when you’re working in it.

So, I started to lean back into my passions. My creative passions. I started to write my memoir I’ve been meaning to write for the last 15 years. I got back into poetry and stayed consistent. I started writing short stories, a dream of mine that I hadn’t started.

I started applying for every grant and job I could. Entered every writing contest. It’s part of the game getting rejection letters but after 6 months of feeling like I’m just spinning my wheels, I started to feel defeated more than hopeful.

Everyday I would re check my email. Over and over again. Obviously I got a couple lil breaks. A small gig here a published piece there. And I’m grateful for it all. But being a single mom in this economy, I need cold hard cash.

The legal processes are another level of waiting. Another waiting game.

I’m being forced to wait. Forced to lean into my healing. Forced to sit in the discomfort. Forced to creat my own comfort.

I’m learning through it. Learning how to take my time. Learning that not every day needs to be successful. Learning that rest is just as productive as hard work. Learning that other people’s way of living, their logic are not my own and they don’t have to be. I’m learning to be secure in my own life.

It really feels like I’m spinning my wheels most days. But I guess that’s part of the ebbs and flows. Some days are slow some days are fast. Some filled with ease some filled with momentum. Always moving forward. Even if it feels like you’ve taken several steps back.

I guess this is what learning to trust looks like. Trusting while spinning the shit out of your wheels. I guess this is what they mean when they say, “remember to stop and smell the roses”.

There’s beauty in waiting. There’s beauty in finding peace within the unknown.