Finding My Footing

I have been reflecting on something said to me a couple weeks ago. My daughter’s behaviour consultant was doing some goal setting with me when we came to some questions about my daughter’s past behaviours. We talked about the loss my daughter and I experienced with losing my dad and the challenges and losses that came after that.

“So would you say you’re just finding your footing again?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’d definitely say that.”

You know those incidents that change you? I’m sure I’ve had more than a few of those in my life. The first would be my mom dying when I was 15. I do remember the day she died it was almost like a switch went off in my brain. I did not view the world the same. Not necessarily in a bad way, but more of a realistic way. People will say “oh that would never happen to me.” But I can tell you the day my mom died I learned that it most certainly could happen to me. Because it did.

Losing my dad in 2024 wasn’t like losing my mom in the sense something switched. No. This change that could never be undone happened slowly. Maturity and calm crept into my days in subtle pockets. Between being a single mom, a very bad relationship and just being a fucking adult, my brain didn’t have the capacity to flip the switch.

My soul said, “lets let her ease into this one.”

It was like a pile of shit I had to climb over. A mountain. A hill.

I had to climb up and over. Around the bend. No passing by easily and sweetly.

I did find myself at rock bottom that first year with out my dad. Crisis mode. Every other day. And when I reflect I get emotional thinking about me getting up at 6AM getting myself and my daughter ready, driving her to day care, park at the bus exchange, bus an hour into the city to work 8hrs, come home and care for my special needs child, go to bed and get up to do it all over again. I get emotional because I don’t even know how I got through that. How did I do that? I was so dead inside, so exhausted.

The last year I have been emerging. I lost my job Jan 2025. That was a blow. I showed up every day and they let me go. It was for the best I see that now. At the time it was another gut punch.

Then I lost my brother.

The rollercoaster of emotions was turned on again. “Everybody steps right up to ride LEANNAS ROLLERCOASTER OF LIFE RIDE.”

I fell again. But I got myself back up.

Like I always do.

And so, I’m finding my footing again.

Climbing from rock bottom.

Up up up.

It’s just my daughter and me in my immediate family.

My last remaining brother is so deep in addiction. I hold hope but I am starting new cycles with my daughter.

Creating a new foundation a new structure.

Finding my footing.

Is what she said.